On this day, in June of 1989, there was a lonely girl looking for her whole world. She didn't know anyone and was just hanging out at the homeless shelter because there wasn't much else to do. She had. been kicked out of her home a few weeks earlier and set off on an adventure with some other teens that she'd met along the way. They had ended up in Denver and decided to stop - well, really they were forced to because the car conked out. Since then, they had secured day labor jobs and gotten a spot at the local homeless shelter. Every day was spent working or roaming the streets, panhandling, and trying to keep busy. This girl hadn't made any "real" friends because she was kind of aloof and kept to herself. She'd grown up in a middle class background, but the maternal unit was pretentious and liked to think she was better than others so the girl had a bit of an entitled attitude. This girl didn't really trust others and thought she didn't really belong in this world, but was trying to make the best of it.
Being homeless really was an adventure for the girl. She actually liked the freedom of movement and the interesting things she'd been able to do now that she was out from under her parents' (maternal figure really) rule. There were new streets to walk, new places to see, mountain views, and interesting people to meet. All walks of life were represented. It was so new, so intense, so fascinating after living in such a closed little world. Then there was HIM.
The boy was not that great looking, but would look at her with this gleam in his eye, he wasn't that smart, but he would say things that made her FEEL more. And she was vulnerable. They got together. She thought they were in love.
Several months later, they got married. They moved back to her original home, but parents disapproved. The maternal figure demanded the marriage license before they could sleep in the same room. And soon she found herself pregnant. Despite the maternal figure's claims, she was NOT pregnant when they got married, this occurred shortly after the wedding. They looked forward to starting their family. But.
He decided to join the military. This was the first step towards the destruction of the marriage. Over the next several years there were heartache and tears. A child lost (not gone forever), vows not kept, more children arrive, more heartache, ambition for more, a period of eight years that went through highs and lows, love and loss, and slowly, movement towards the sun. The girl made the decision to leave and take the children so they wouldn't be harmed and moved back towards home.
More parent pleasing, she went back to school. Discovered she like it and liked being a single mom. Her kids were happy and healthy and loved. She, herself, was discovering who she was liking what she was finding. But. She was still ashamed of herself too.
She was extremely lonely. This consumed her. As soon as the kids were asleep for the night, she lost herself in the world of chat rooms. She "met" people online and they became her friends. She got involved in the online world and developed relationships. She even thought she fell in love. But that, like dreams, don't last and she went back to the routine of raising her kids, attending school, visiting the parental units and coasting through life. Then one certain email arrived that changed her life.
The email put her in a difficult position because it wasn't particularly a nice email but it was intense and kind of strange actually. So she responded, but wasn't very nice about it. The person replied and a correspondence chain started. And lasted. And became something more. A fairy tale.
Her prince charming. Life with the man was the true adventure. Something new every day. Love. It was an amazing, wonderful, fantastic experience. And there was no doubt of the love. This was love that many people aspired to. There was never any doubt about the love the man had for the woman or the children. And life got better.
Oh there were ups and downs along the way. She couldn't have any more children, he wanted some. She was pretty unadventurous in certain areas, he was more so. But the love was always there. Until it wasn't. Divorce. Alone. Again. The children were out of the house and decisions had to be made.
Off on another adventure. This time in another country, another culture, another world. More new people and places. Places she'd never dreamed of visiting before, friends made, dreams coming true. More darkness on the horizon. A drinking problem develops. Friendships fall apart. Then light breaks the darkness and a ray of hope shines through. The light shines brighter and freedom comes.
The Call to end all Calls. Threats to the child, the one who is her sunshine, her hope for the world, her baby girl. The woman comes home. Her child fights and fights, but to no avail. Two years pass but the light dims and then extinguishes. Her world is shattered.
So now she sits in her lonely space thinking about what she's lost. Trying not to let it interfere with the other parts of her life but it does. And she's extremely sorry but can't help it and life is too hard to think about others. So mired in her own grief, she can't muster up the energy to care.
So forgive me please, if I don't want to get involved in your drama or your selfishness, I've got my own right now. I'm not going to sympathize with your issues, I've got my own of those too. Just give me my space and I'll come out to live again when I'm ready...if I'm ever ready.
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