Dear Katy Beth,
From the day you were born, I knew we'd have a special bond. You weren't the boy your "sperm donor" wanted and you weren't EVER going to be taken away from me. I named you Kaitlynn because I wanted a different spelling of Caitlin, which is means pure. You were the purest thing I ever did. I didn't deserve to be your mom, but out of all the moms there, I was the lucky one. The one to be chosen by such a shining soul, such a happy little girl from your first breath. Sure there were times when you were a baby that you cried so much that I had to lock myself in an empty room just to get your DNA donor to take care of you, but even then, I loved you.
I remember when you were little and used to beg me to carry you everywhere. I remember when you were an adolescent and you'd claim to be old enough to do what you wanted. I remember when you were a teenager and couldn't keep your room clean, take a shower or confide in me. I also remember that no matter how mad we got at each other, you never said, "I hate you" like other teenagers. You never stopped talking to me (until that one time when you were like 19 - and we won't go into that!). You never made me feel like I was anything less than your hero. But you are mine. So funny, so full of life, so loving and unique. I miss you so much.
Some people used to question us. Used to question how I could love "someone like you" meaning because you were gay, I shouldn't. But how could I not? How could I not love someone so full of happy? So joyous and with the IDGAF attitude that you faced the world with? So generous, kind and just a damn good person? How could anyone not love that? It hurts me to think that there are others like you out there in the world whose parents have turned their back on them just because they are so close-minded and can't see the beautiful human being in front of them.
How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without you in it? How am I supposed to act like everything is okay when I can't call you or text you? What is the point of life now? I feel as though the only way I am living is because other people need me now. Your grandpa, your sister, your aunt, your husband. I can't even get through a day without crying and thinking about you every single minute. My heart hurts so much. My chest feels like there's an empty space inside it now. And all this is selfish and I know you wouldn't want me to think of it this way but how can I not?
They never prepare you for the loss of a child, your favorite child. I know you aren't supposed to have favorites, but you were and are and always will be. You made me a better woman, human being and mom just for being you. I learned so many lessons from you that I promise I will try to utilize every day. Your kindness, generosity, spirit and love. You are the only thing that made my life worth living and I'll try to pay that forward to others but it's going to be hard. It's going to hurt like hell every day to live without you. But I'll try. Eventually. Not right now because it's only been 8 days and I still can't think straight. I love you so much Katy Beth. You were my sunshine and all the sun has gone out of my life now. I wish we could have one last chance to be silly together, to sing at a Garth concert, to argue about stupid things. Mostly, I wish for one last hug and to hear your voice tell me, "I love you momma." I just hope you're in Heaven right now talking your great gramma into letting you color your hair, getting lots of cuddles from Maggie and walking around on two strong legs. You were, and always will be the best part of me. I love you.
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